Side gay culture
Rise of the sides: how Grindr finally recognized male lover men who aren’t tops or bottoms
Every month, nearly 11 million gay men around the world depart on the Grindr app to look for sex with other men. Once there, they can scroll through an endless stream of guys, from handsome to homely, bear to twink. Yet when it comes to choosing positions for sex – a crucial criterion for most gay men – the possibilities have long been simply top and bottom. The only other selection available toggles between those roles: verse (for versatile).
“Not fitting those roles has made it really tough to find someone,” said Jeremiah Hein, 38, of Long Beach, California. “There’s no category to decide from.”
“Whenever I’d look at those choices I’d consider, ‘I’m none of those things,’” said Shai Davidi, 51, of Tel Aviv, Israel. “I felt there must be something false with me.”
Last month, however, that finally changed. In mid-May, Grindr added a position called side, a designation that upends the binary that has historically dominated gay male identity. Sides are men who find fulfillment in every kind of sexual perform except anal penetration. Instead, a broad range of oral, manual and frictional body techniques provide
After a solid five-year run in a somewhat monogam-ish affair , I find myself emerging on the other side as a 30-year-old solo guy, clueless about how to vault back into the dating game. Initially, I avoided digital dating apps, drowning my sorrows in Drawn-out Island iced teas, surviving emotional meltdowns at wild property parties, and skillfully, tending to my own business solo. But with occasion, my heart healed, and I decided to dip my toes (and thumbs) into the online dating world.
Though I haven’t had any dates yet, I’ve explored these apps, and guess what? Not much has changed since my last dating enterprise. There’s still an abundance of headless torsos and greetings that march in like they hold the place. Once you log in, you’ll scroll, swipe, or heart your way through an endless parade of twinks, twunks, bears, daddies, and more! However, when it comes to selecting your preferred positions for sex – something gay men take very seriously – the choices have always been the traditional “top,” “bottom,” or “verse.”
Then, like a beacon of curiosity, the term “side” kept popping up, catching my eye. At first, I imagined
Gaymenare constantly referring to and defining themselves as "tops" or "bottoms." When they consider dating or simply hooking up, gay men typically ask the other guy whether he's a top, a bottom or "versatile." It's important to find this out as soon as possible, because if you are planning to date or get into a relationship, it's vitally important that you and he be sexually compatible with each other.
The whole issue of tops and bottoms came up recently with the let go of a novel study that looked at whether or not people can determine whether a gay man is a top or a bottom just by looking at facial cues. The study revealed that judgments made about whether an individual is a superior or a bottom are based on perceived masculine and feminine traits.
There's so much speak and discussion about who gives and who receives. I've had straight people tell me that they assumed that most gay guys simply take turns. Yes, some perform, but most don't. But what if a guy isn't a top, a bottom or even versatile? What about gay men who have never engaged in anal sex and never will, ever?
I consider they deserve a name of their own. I phone them "sides."
Defining a Side
Sides prefer to k
A few years ago when I was looking into nose piercings (it wasn’t until last year that I finally worked up the nerve and got it done) I discovered multiple websites debating which was the ideal side to get it done on.
I learned that in India the left side is preferred because it supposedly makes giving birth easier. I also learned that some people consider a particular side to illustrate sexuality.
Granted, there were no legitimate websites that provided me with this communication. My past English teachers would frown if they saw me consuming facts from such unreliable sources. Still, I found many of these websites where one would ask “which side should I get my nose piercing on?” and people would battle it out in the comments claiming “Get it on the right side! If you get it on the left side, it means you’re gay!” or “No, it’s the right side that means you’re gay!”
I wasn’t too conflicted. Does the average person actuallyknow these so-called “facts” about the connection between nose piercing and sexuality? I assumed then, and still assume now, that they don’t.
A bigger issue that I had
It's Not About "Choosing A Side"
Just like everyone else, bi people are individuals with idiosyncratic preferences that go beyond sexual orientation. Some folks would rather use dating apps, others like to meet in person at bars. Some folks have rules against dating coworkers while others are totally open to meeting the love of their life in the workplace.
Bisexuality adds one more interesting dimension to these idiosyncrasies, which can manifest as a caring of preference — temporary or permanent — for dating one or the other sex. These leanings don't necessarily have anything to do with how we feel about this or that sex, though. It can simply be a side effect of other preferences we contain, such as the ways we like to come across potential partners or the atmospheres in which we feel most at ease.
Some bi men feel more comfortable dating women, and some of us notice more comfortable dating men. Until recently, I’d regarded this as a uncomplicated matter of taste, which is fine when that's the case, but I realize now that these apparent preferences are sometimes more complicated than that. In many cases, it’s cultural.
Since most towns and cities don't present